Do you ever feel like you're drowning in an ocean of flattery? It seems to me that this generation of parents has almost lost the ability to be honest with their children...and maybe themselves.
Don't get me wrong. I am not at all suggesting that we go back to the time where kids were almost regarded as non-people. Expected to be seen and not heard. Never given a chance to voice their opinions. Always told they couldn't do it. They weren't good enough. They didn't measure up. No, those were bad times and many adults have the therapy bills to prove it.
However.
I must wonder if it is not equally as damaging to let children believe that they have arrived at a place in life that they haven't? Why do we, for instance, give ribbons and awards to everyone who participates in anything? Why is it considered unhealthy and damaging to reward those who do their best? To reward the winners? Why can we barely admit that some people are just better at certain things than other people?
I just don't think our kids are that weak, or let's be honest, that dumb. They know when they're not doing something as well as they can or as well as another person. Do we look ridiculous when we try to convince them that they are? I think maybe we do. Not to mention, what does it set them up for in their future? Come on, you've seen all those people on American Idol who think they can sing and they CAN'T. Who is responsible for letting them think that they had any business auditioning for those judges? And here's the kicker, do you think it was good for them to get up and humiliate themselves like that? On national television?? I don't really think it was.
I have a confession to make. I really try to shoot straight with my kids about stuff like this. When they, for example, ask me if I think they're a good singer and I don't think they are; I just say "no, I don't really think you're great at that."
*uncomfortable silence*
But, here's what I don't mean when I say that. I don't mean, "No, you stink at everything you try." I don't mean, "Because you can't sing, you'll probably wind up working at McDonald's for the rest of your life." I don't mean, "Because you're not the next Lady Gaga, I don't love you." No, no. I just mean, "That doesn't seem to be a talent of yours."
But, here's what I believe, about each of my own children and about every child on the planet:
You are amazing. You won't be good at everything, but there are things you will be good at. You are unique. You are valuable. You should pursue the things you love and that is how you will find out what you are good at and how you will leave your mark in this world. You have a lot to offer. But, even if you are talented, you will have to work hard. Things won't just be handed to you because you breathe air. And finally,
When I am honest with you, that is how you know I love you.
Family 2015
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Living Simple
I've been thinking about this concept a lot lately. I like it. I may think about it a little differently than some though...
It seems like the common idea of living simple has to do with changing ones' schedule and the way one does life in general. Get rid of the t.v. Cut out extra-curricular activities. Homeschool. No computer. Cook from scratch. Sew your own clothes. Have a garden. Etc, etc. There seem to be a growing number of people who are looking to these types of things to simplify their lives, to find their lives more fulfilling and meaningful.
I have a few problems with this. I like t.v. I think my kids benefit from the extra-curricular stuff they're involved in. Homeschool is good and appropriate sometimes, but sometimes it isn't. I'm not sure how to turn on a sewing machine. See my dilemma?
It's a good thing that I'm not convinced that all of these ideas are the only way to simplify and enjoy my life. Actually, I am positive that I can have a busy life, various electronic devices and the occassional dinner of Hamburger Helper and still have a simple, satisfying life.
It's because, in my opinion, simple has less to do with the outside than it does with the inside. If my heart is at peace, all the busy-ness doesn't have the ability to steal it. If my heart is in turmoil, all the home-cooked food and gardening in the world will not help.
This is one of my favorite Bible verses: "A heart at peace gives life to the body..." Pr. 14:30. That's so true, isn't it? Not to be offensive to all my friends who are so into healthy eating (that's certainly not a bad thing to be into!), but I really, REALLY think that a heart at peace goes much further towards keeping me healthy than I what I do or don't eat.
So, each day I try to start out focusing on all that is right in my world. You know what? There's a lot of it. :)
It seems like the common idea of living simple has to do with changing ones' schedule and the way one does life in general. Get rid of the t.v. Cut out extra-curricular activities. Homeschool. No computer. Cook from scratch. Sew your own clothes. Have a garden. Etc, etc. There seem to be a growing number of people who are looking to these types of things to simplify their lives, to find their lives more fulfilling and meaningful.
I have a few problems with this. I like t.v. I think my kids benefit from the extra-curricular stuff they're involved in. Homeschool is good and appropriate sometimes, but sometimes it isn't. I'm not sure how to turn on a sewing machine. See my dilemma?
It's a good thing that I'm not convinced that all of these ideas are the only way to simplify and enjoy my life. Actually, I am positive that I can have a busy life, various electronic devices and the occassional dinner of Hamburger Helper and still have a simple, satisfying life.
It's because, in my opinion, simple has less to do with the outside than it does with the inside. If my heart is at peace, all the busy-ness doesn't have the ability to steal it. If my heart is in turmoil, all the home-cooked food and gardening in the world will not help.
This is one of my favorite Bible verses: "A heart at peace gives life to the body..." Pr. 14:30. That's so true, isn't it? Not to be offensive to all my friends who are so into healthy eating (that's certainly not a bad thing to be into!), but I really, REALLY think that a heart at peace goes much further towards keeping me healthy than I what I do or don't eat.
So, each day I try to start out focusing on all that is right in my world. You know what? There's a lot of it. :)
Monday, October 10, 2011
Yelling and Other Bad Ideas.
So, I would like to be able to say that I have never yelled at my kids, but....I'm not perfect and I'm also not a liar.
I can say, however, that I have not once yelled at my kids and thought later, "Gee, that was really great parenting, and effective too!" I usually end up feeling like I wish I could take it back. It's really bad now that Pierce is so good at expressing himself with his words. He is super sensitive. When he was younger if I would yell at him, or even near him, he would give one of those inadvertent shivers - nice. Now, he says things like, (with a wobbly, about to cry voice) "Mommy, it hurts my feelings when you scream at me." Ugh.
It's not great for the other kids either. They aren't likely to cry, but they do snap to attention and have that certain look of "uh oh" in their eyes. Ugh again.
There is good news though. I have learned to apologize to my kids, and they have learned to forgive. I have noticed that when they get upset with each other, it is generally followed by an apology. I like to think that's because they have observed my husband and I doing the same.
Yelling is a quick fix, but the results don't last. It is so much better to have pre-emptive conversations about expectations than to freak out in the moment. It is so much better to count to 10 before you open your mouth when you're frustrated. It is so much better to take a minute to think about WHAT you are trying to communicate instead of just communicating frustration.
And I will try to remember all of this the next time I go to my van in the morning to discover 3 gallons of milk that were left in 80 degree weather for a day and a half....they are just kids after all. :)
I can say, however, that I have not once yelled at my kids and thought later, "Gee, that was really great parenting, and effective too!" I usually end up feeling like I wish I could take it back. It's really bad now that Pierce is so good at expressing himself with his words. He is super sensitive. When he was younger if I would yell at him, or even near him, he would give one of those inadvertent shivers - nice. Now, he says things like, (with a wobbly, about to cry voice) "Mommy, it hurts my feelings when you scream at me." Ugh.
It's not great for the other kids either. They aren't likely to cry, but they do snap to attention and have that certain look of "uh oh" in their eyes. Ugh again.
There is good news though. I have learned to apologize to my kids, and they have learned to forgive. I have noticed that when they get upset with each other, it is generally followed by an apology. I like to think that's because they have observed my husband and I doing the same.
Yelling is a quick fix, but the results don't last. It is so much better to have pre-emptive conversations about expectations than to freak out in the moment. It is so much better to count to 10 before you open your mouth when you're frustrated. It is so much better to take a minute to think about WHAT you are trying to communicate instead of just communicating frustration.
And I will try to remember all of this the next time I go to my van in the morning to discover 3 gallons of milk that were left in 80 degree weather for a day and a half....they are just kids after all. :)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
What's Good for the Goose...
...is not always good for the gander.
I have been talking to my kids about this lately and it's a hard sell for them. I think that might be because kids tend to be so "fair" minded. Everything is supposed to be fair and even. I'd really like to have a word with the person that started that erroneous idea. Someone needs to tell them that it isn't nice to lie to children...
Anyway, our conversations have been focusing on how the path that one person takes in life should not necessarily look exactly like the path of another person - even within the same family. Obviously, there are going to be similarities, but it doesn't have to be and probably shouldn't be, identical.
We've been talking about it in the context of education. Yes, they all need and will have an education. However, the manner in which that is accomplished does not have to look the same for each one of them.
I started out, as the Mom of my first pre-Kindergartener, with the notion that homeschool was the way to go. For everyone, all the time. End of story. If you read my post about count day you have figured out that that notion has changed. :) It changed because along the way I realized that though that was the right appropach for her, at that time; it didn't automatically mean that it was right for the rest of my kids all the time. Also, because she has 4 younger siblings and I'd like to see you try to homeschool a 4th and 2nd grader while also caring for a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a newborn...but, I digress.
We have fallen into a pattern of re-evaluating what is best for each child at the beginning of each new year. Last year, I had 3 of my kids at a charter school and 2 being homeschooled. This year, all 5 of them are enrolled in school, and although my youngest is only gone for half the day, I'm enjoying the break. I'm enjoying it because I don't necessarily expect it to last. After this school year, we have 13 more years of having school-aged kids in the house and I'm about 99.9% positive that there will be more homeschooling here and there during that time.
Well, that's kind of messy, you say. Yes, it is. That doesn't really give you a lot of liberty to say, start a great career or have a great hobby. No, it doesn't.
But, I'm ok with that. I have these 5 wonderful people that I get the privilege of helping to find their way. I can't think of anything more important than that. :)
I have been talking to my kids about this lately and it's a hard sell for them. I think that might be because kids tend to be so "fair" minded. Everything is supposed to be fair and even. I'd really like to have a word with the person that started that erroneous idea. Someone needs to tell them that it isn't nice to lie to children...
Anyway, our conversations have been focusing on how the path that one person takes in life should not necessarily look exactly like the path of another person - even within the same family. Obviously, there are going to be similarities, but it doesn't have to be and probably shouldn't be, identical.
We've been talking about it in the context of education. Yes, they all need and will have an education. However, the manner in which that is accomplished does not have to look the same for each one of them.
I started out, as the Mom of my first pre-Kindergartener, with the notion that homeschool was the way to go. For everyone, all the time. End of story. If you read my post about count day you have figured out that that notion has changed. :) It changed because along the way I realized that though that was the right appropach for her, at that time; it didn't automatically mean that it was right for the rest of my kids all the time. Also, because she has 4 younger siblings and I'd like to see you try to homeschool a 4th and 2nd grader while also caring for a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a newborn...but, I digress.
We have fallen into a pattern of re-evaluating what is best for each child at the beginning of each new year. Last year, I had 3 of my kids at a charter school and 2 being homeschooled. This year, all 5 of them are enrolled in school, and although my youngest is only gone for half the day, I'm enjoying the break. I'm enjoying it because I don't necessarily expect it to last. After this school year, we have 13 more years of having school-aged kids in the house and I'm about 99.9% positive that there will be more homeschooling here and there during that time.
Well, that's kind of messy, you say. Yes, it is. That doesn't really give you a lot of liberty to say, start a great career or have a great hobby. No, it doesn't.
But, I'm ok with that. I have these 5 wonderful people that I get the privilege of helping to find their way. I can't think of anything more important than that. :)
Mama Bear
Grrrrrrrr...............
Without going into detail, let's just say that last night I had the occassion to pull out my Mama Bear. She is pretty fierce and surprises even me with the intensity of her emotion. She is a force to be reckoned with and I wouldn't want to run into her in a dark alley - or even an alley in broad daylight.
I'm sure all of you have experience with your version of her. She's a tough cookie, eh?
Luckily, 14 years of dealing with her has taught me to use her wisely. I learned awhile back that allowing her to run rampant was a bad idea. She actually is much more effective if she inflicts no actual damage but instead curls her lip in a snarl and stares menacingly while keeping her distance.
In truth, I think Mama Bear gets a bad rap. There are many jokes that circulate at her expense and many people who shake their heads when she gets a little out of control. "That bear," they say, "doesn't she know that her kids are gonna have to face the world on their own someday?"
Well, yeah. But someday isn't today, my friend.
I will acquiesce that by the time my kids have graduated high school that they need to know how to handle themselves and deal with bullies and difficult situations on their own. I have no intention of heading off to the college administrator every time they have an interpersonal problem. But, the reason I won't have to is because they will have seen me handle situations for them first, and then with them, and THEN they will be able to do it on their own.
The reason they will have the confidence to handle it on their own is because I will have firmly planted into their heads by my words and actions that they are valuable; and that they are not to allow themselves to be treated like dirt.
By then, their own Mama Bear will have matured a little and be ready to take care of them.
Right now, their Mama Bear is still a cub. But not mine - she is in the prime of her life.
Bullies, consider yourselves warned.
Without going into detail, let's just say that last night I had the occassion to pull out my Mama Bear. She is pretty fierce and surprises even me with the intensity of her emotion. She is a force to be reckoned with and I wouldn't want to run into her in a dark alley - or even an alley in broad daylight.
I'm sure all of you have experience with your version of her. She's a tough cookie, eh?
Luckily, 14 years of dealing with her has taught me to use her wisely. I learned awhile back that allowing her to run rampant was a bad idea. She actually is much more effective if she inflicts no actual damage but instead curls her lip in a snarl and stares menacingly while keeping her distance.
In truth, I think Mama Bear gets a bad rap. There are many jokes that circulate at her expense and many people who shake their heads when she gets a little out of control. "That bear," they say, "doesn't she know that her kids are gonna have to face the world on their own someday?"
Well, yeah. But someday isn't today, my friend.
I will acquiesce that by the time my kids have graduated high school that they need to know how to handle themselves and deal with bullies and difficult situations on their own. I have no intention of heading off to the college administrator every time they have an interpersonal problem. But, the reason I won't have to is because they will have seen me handle situations for them first, and then with them, and THEN they will be able to do it on their own.
The reason they will have the confidence to handle it on their own is because I will have firmly planted into their heads by my words and actions that they are valuable; and that they are not to allow themselves to be treated like dirt.
By then, their own Mama Bear will have matured a little and be ready to take care of them.
Right now, their Mama Bear is still a cub. But not mine - she is in the prime of her life.
Bullies, consider yourselves warned.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Count Day.
I don't remember ever hearing about count day when I was a kid, do you? But now, it is a BIG DEAL. I mean, my kids were so excited to go to school this morning. The older ones got to have a "wear whatever you want" day (GREAT incentive for older kids who usually have to wear uniforms) and the younger ones were promised a prize if they were in their seats when the first bell rang.
I, of course, understand why it is a big deal; the school's funding is based on their attendance on that one fateful day.
Which begs the question, "Whose awful idea is that anyway????" Seriously, the amount of money my kid's school receives for the whole year is based on ONE day???? I have never claimed to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even I could come up with a better plan than that.
I'm not a government hater or anything, but sometimes I just wonder who really is behind the curtain down there in Washington. I want to believe that there really are folks who are trying to do what is best for this country,and for the kids who will make up it's adult population in the near future. And I honestly do believe that there are many good-hearted people who work in our government. They probably scratch their heads about things like this as much as I do. Their hands are probably tied, just like mine.
But, I have an idea. How about if we pick one day during the year and however many people show up for work that day will determine how much the people who hold public office get paid, or even whether or not they get paid period. Sound like a plan? That's what they do to our teachers, folks.
Atleast I have the knowledge that I have done my part - all 5 of my kids are being counted today. Hooray for big families!!! :)
I, of course, understand why it is a big deal; the school's funding is based on their attendance on that one fateful day.
Which begs the question, "Whose awful idea is that anyway????" Seriously, the amount of money my kid's school receives for the whole year is based on ONE day???? I have never claimed to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even I could come up with a better plan than that.
I'm not a government hater or anything, but sometimes I just wonder who really is behind the curtain down there in Washington. I want to believe that there really are folks who are trying to do what is best for this country,and for the kids who will make up it's adult population in the near future. And I honestly do believe that there are many good-hearted people who work in our government. They probably scratch their heads about things like this as much as I do. Their hands are probably tied, just like mine.
But, I have an idea. How about if we pick one day during the year and however many people show up for work that day will determine how much the people who hold public office get paid, or even whether or not they get paid period. Sound like a plan? That's what they do to our teachers, folks.
Atleast I have the knowledge that I have done my part - all 5 of my kids are being counted today. Hooray for big families!!! :)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Vicarious Living.
You know what? I love being a Mom. :)
I remember being a young person, pre-marriage and parenthood, and thinking about how sad it was that parents seemed to live vicariously through their children. Boy was a I a dummy. Living vicariously has nothing to do with not living my own life. It doesn't mean that I am all washed up and have nothing better to do than wish I was younger. It has nothing to do with yearning for my "glory days." I actually had to stop for a minute and laugh after I typed that last line - oh youth, they are funny - and misinformed.
No, the vicarious living I have discovered has everything to do with celebrating my children's growth. With being able to feel the joy of accomplishments all over again, and feeling the sorrow too. It is like round 2 of life, but with more understanding. With greater capacity to be patient. With the ability to see the forest in spite of the trees.
Oh, how I wish for the ability to pour all of the understanding that living has afforded me into the minds of my kids!!!
But, I know I can't. I know that they must grow through it just as I did. I know that the mountains that they face right now will look like mole hills to them in 20 years. I know they will at some point feel silly for some of the ways they acted and the things they did. I know their reasoning skills and ability to cope will develop as their birthdays pass. But, in the meantime, it's fun. I love seeing them experience life and being able to be by their side as they do.
I remember being a young person, pre-marriage and parenthood, and thinking about how sad it was that parents seemed to live vicariously through their children. Boy was a I a dummy. Living vicariously has nothing to do with not living my own life. It doesn't mean that I am all washed up and have nothing better to do than wish I was younger. It has nothing to do with yearning for my "glory days." I actually had to stop for a minute and laugh after I typed that last line - oh youth, they are funny - and misinformed.
No, the vicarious living I have discovered has everything to do with celebrating my children's growth. With being able to feel the joy of accomplishments all over again, and feeling the sorrow too. It is like round 2 of life, but with more understanding. With greater capacity to be patient. With the ability to see the forest in spite of the trees.
Oh, how I wish for the ability to pour all of the understanding that living has afforded me into the minds of my kids!!!
But, I know I can't. I know that they must grow through it just as I did. I know that the mountains that they face right now will look like mole hills to them in 20 years. I know they will at some point feel silly for some of the ways they acted and the things they did. I know their reasoning skills and ability to cope will develop as their birthdays pass. But, in the meantime, it's fun. I love seeing them experience life and being able to be by their side as they do.
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