Thankful for my struggles...

That's a weird title 2 days before Christmas.  This is the most exciting time of the year!  The kids are bouncing off the walls, the presents are almost ready, the menus are planned, the parties are about to begin...this is not the time to think about struggles!

Well, I can't help it.  I'm not depressed or anything, quite the contrary -  I am caught up in the moment just like the kids are.  But, as I sit here on this early morning, babysitting the cooking turkey while everyone else sleeps, I can't help but think about the journey of my life so far.  I actually feel like I have lived 4 or 5 different lives...you know, the "growing up" life, the "young adult" life, the "newly married" life, the "young kids" life and now I'm in the "many kids of different ages, going back to school" life. ;)

I can't say that my life has looked like I expected it to when I was 18 and just spreading my wings.  I expected it to be easier, more cut and dried.  I expected a lot more choices to be black and white and a lot more events to be predictable.  I expected to always be understood and appreciated.

But, I have realized something along the way.  Every time I run into a situation that is not what I expected, I have a choice.  I can freak out or I can just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I can bemoan my idea of what should have been or I can embrace what is.  I can be disappointed or I can be excited.

Because the truth is, no matter what comes my way today, I am alive and breathing.  I am blessed immeasurably by the wonderful people in my life and I have, everyday, the chance to craft a legacy.  Think about the people whose lives we love to remember.  Do we say of them, "they had it easy.  Everything they had or accomplished was handed to them.  How inspiring!"  No.  We all love the stories of those who had to overcome so much to stand where they are.  We love those stories because they give us hope, because we see ourselves in their shadows.

I wonder, is it always necessary to start with ashes before one sees beauty?  Maybe not.  But, I do know this, beauty that springs from ashes is magnificent indeed.

Merry Christmas, wonderful friends.  I am glad I get to journey with you.

A Little Break to Say...

So, this will be brief because I'm doing homework, but I had to take a break to pass on these few thoughts.

I'm writing a paper right now and the research that I am doing for it is, on the one hand, breaking my heart and on the other making me feel proud of what I am able to offer my kids.  I know that parenting is often accompanied by heavy doses of guilt and wondering if you are doing a good job.  It is always a relief to have someone tell you that you are on the right track.  So, that's what I'm going to do. :)

Here's a question.  Tonight, do your kids have a place to lay down and go to sleep that is stable and familiar to them?  I don't care if it's a fancy sleigh bed in a mansion or a well-used bunk bed in a mobile home.  Do they have a place to lay down and go to sleep that is stable and familiar to them?

If you answered yes, congratulations!

That one thing in the life of a child is SO important that it almost cannot be overstated.  For your child to have a stable place that they come home to at night does so much for their psyche and well-being.  It gives them the courage to spread their wings and launch out when they know that they can always land back in the nest.

So, whether your nest is fancy and full of the all the latest gadgets or simple and basic, the fact that it exists for your child is a wonderful gift.  They will draw much strength from it in the years to come and it will help them to become healthy and functioning adults.

There is some good news for you, my friends. :)  Now, I'm off to finish my paper...

Happy Thanksgiving in case I don't see you before then!!!!!!!

Wow - it actually is November!

I was joking when I said, in my last blog, that I probably wouldn't see you all until November.  But, what can I say?  October was a very full month indeed.

Over the last month, the spirit of blog has floated around me a few times, but he understood when I had to shoo him away.  Last night, however, he came to me in earnest while we were at the dinner table. So, although I still need to grade papers before we start school this morning and I have 3 hours of class today, I will comply. :)

Much of what I have been studying in school up to this point has been either material I already knew or at least had heard of before.  It hasn't been terribly tricky in terms of content, but I have to say it has had its way with my heart.

I know that the image of a social worker is someone who sits behind a desk and hands out government aid (that we pay for!!) to lazy people who just want to leech off the system.  But.  There is so much to this profession.  It encompasses hundreds of fields and there are social workers in nearly every walk of life.  Schools, prisons, hospitals, adoption agencies, nursing homes, just to name a few.  The reach of social work is broad and the rules and ethics that govern it endeavor to wrap their arms around humanity.

But, even the profession of social work - with how far-reaching it is in scope - acknowledges that the best thing would be if humanity didn't need it so much.  The best thing would be if the children in our society and every society would get what they needed from their nuclear family.

It was this knowledge that was swimming through my brain last night as we gathered around the table and ate our chicken and mashed potatoes and corn.  The kids were laughing and telling us stories from their day.  I was engaged, but I was also sort of hovering above the table in spirit and thinking about how very grateful I was for it all.

Grateful, that though I am no gourmet cook, I had that food to prepare and my kids bodies were being nourished at the same time their souls were.  Grateful that, with God's grace, we have managed to create a family unit that is generally supportive and loving toward the other members, a place we all belong and feel safe.  Grateful that everyone is getting a good education.  Grateful that my kids have so many mind-expanding and enriching opportunities.  Grateful that they have a father who is involved in their life.

I look forward to one day (I try not to think about how very far away that day really is) being able to use the tools I am being equipped with to reach out and help humanity in some small way.

But, in the meantime, I will continue to gather my family around the dinner table and know that that is equally, if not more important, than what I will accomplish one I have a degree.

I Miss All of You and Other Musings

It is nearly the end of September - how in the heck did that happen???  Of course I know that is the way of the passage of time - slow in the moment, lightning quick in retrospect.

I have enjoyed, really enjoyed, these last few weeks.  Homeschooling is going surprisingly well. (homeschooling older kids is easier, friends.  subjects are harder, but it is immeasurably easier).  The boys are settling into their new school and, for the most part, loving it.  I am really loving that my  brain is engaged again. Don't be offended, stay at home parents of preschoolers, I am not saying you don't use your brain.  I'm just saying...you know what I'm saying.

Anyway, I realized last night, that as much as I love my "new life," I miss the old one too.  I know that this is cyberspace and I'm not even really sure who reads my rantings, but sharing them does make me feel more connected to the world.

So.

I'm going to make an effort to keep blogging atleast once a week.  Now that I've said that, you probably won't hear from me again until November, but I am going to try.  :)

For now, I will leave you with this.  I like all of you.  A lot.  I like hearing about your days and your kids and your jobs and your struggles and your victories.  And I like sharing mine.  Living life without sharing it almost feels like not living it.  So, please, keep me updated and don't be offended if I go a few weeks without returning the favor. 

I think that when we all get to the point in our lives that we are not so busy (that time does come, right??), we will be glad that we walked the road of life together.  Even if we walked it using our fingers on a keyboard.

Schizophrenia, or What I Should Have Done in the First Place...

When I got the word a few weeks ago that Kennedy and Reagan would not be allowed to attend Goodrich, the thought of keeping McKinley at home as well crossed my mind.  It entered briefly and was quickly shoved out the other side of my head by the sheer force of my fear.

"I wasn't going to homeschool anyone this year," I reasoned, "I am going back to school!!!  I would never have decided to do both at the same time!  I have no choice about the older 2, but McKinley has a spot!  I simply cannot school all 3 of them and do everything else."  Case closed.  Yah, right.

The first 5 days of school haven't been awful or anything, but here is what I discovered.  I leave the house at 7:20, drop the boys off and then have to drive to Goodrich and kill a half an hour before I can drop McKinley off.  I rush home and don't get there until 9:00.  On Tues/Thurs that leaves me just an hour to get Kennedy and Reagan started with school before I rush off to class.  Same cycle in the afternoon.  Leave at 2:20, get home at 4:00.   Rush off to dance.  On the night I teach, I have no time to give the older girls any additional help until after I get home.  When I'm exhausted and crabby...and have homework of my own. 

Also, McKinley was having a bit of a rough time.  I didn't think about the difficulties of breaking into a 5th grade group that has mostly been together since Kindergarten.  Not to mention, do I want her making tons of close friends in a community that is that far away?  Do I want to have to drive up there multiple times a week when she is older and has sports/band/football games/dances?  No.  I don't.  It would have been different if all 3 girls were there and the oldest could have started helping with the driving next year...but, as it stands now, doesn't make sense.

So, I will add a 3rd child to our homeschool starting tomorrow.  (When I finally arrive at a conclusion, I don't waste any time).  I will gain two hours in each and every day.  I will save hundreds of miles on my vehicle and hundreds of dollars in gas.  I will have more time to actually teach and much less time to sit in my van waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. 

I will enjoy this year with my girls and we will wait and see together what next year holds for all of us.  And next year, when crunch time comes, I will listen to my heart and not my fear.

Of Pooh Bear and Empathy...

I really enjoy the differences in my kids.  It is truly astonishing to me sometimes that all 5 of them are the product of me and my husband.  I mean, we are the same 2 people, how are the kids so vastly different??  But, they are.  And it is fun.  :)

I think sometimes about the age old question of  "nature or nurture?"  That debate must go on and on and on and on because there is not one correct answer.  Sure, I like to think that some of the qualities my kids possess are because of the environment they are being raised in, but some of who they are has obviously been stamped on their DNA since before they ever laid eyes on me.

I have a couple of kids who are particularly empathetic which is wonderful, but also very, very difficult for me.  It's not that I don't want them to care about others, I do!  I just don't want it to be so hard on them to see other people struggle.

I'll give you an example.

Last night, the boys watched the Bee Movie which Pierce had never seen.  There is a part in the movie when a character shoots Pooh Bear with a tranquilizer dart so they can steal his honey.

 Pierce was devastated.

He said to me through his tears, "But now, Pooh Bear won't have any honey.  And he will be hungry.  Why would they do that??  They were so mean to Pooh Bear!"  They he wiped his eyes and tried to stop crying.  It took a good 20 minutes before he was over it.

Oh, my poor, sweet boy.  I shudder to think what will happen when you realize that there are people in our own country who don't have enough to eat.  :(   Kids you know that don't have the support of a loving family.  Kids in other places who are getting sick because they don't own a pair of shoes and worms get in through their feet.

It gives me pause.  He has that heart for a reason and I know it.  Perhaps when he is older he will champion the cause of stamping out hunger  Or maybe he will go to other countries and put shoes on the feet of those children. 

I have no doubt that a heart like that is a gift.   I know that empathy is a strength. 

But, wow, I'm really glad I have a couple of kids that can just laugh at Pooh Bear and get on with their day.  :)

 

The Amazing Day.

Well, actually, it didn't start out as The Amazing Day.  It started out as The Pretty Damn Awful Day.  Here's the story of the metamorphosis.

I found out Wednesday that my 2 older girls were denied administrative release by the city of Flint.  This means that although I have busted my hump and jumped through hoop after hoop since April in order to get them accepted by the Goodrich Schools, that they will not be able to attend there in the fall.  Flint just said no. We won't let them go.

It does not matter that my children have never attended Flint schools and never will.  It does not matter that I gave birth to them and have cared for them everyday that they have been alive. It does not matter that I own a home and pay my taxes and am generally a good, law-abiding citizen.  The people sitting behind the desks at the Flint District, who have never laid eyes on my children, still have the power to keep them from going to the school I want them in. 

However, as completely outrageous as that is, it is not what this blog is about.

This blog is about beauty from ashes.  It is about small miracles.  It is about finding a way where there seems to be no way.

For several hours after I got the news, I was pretty despondent.  The girls in question are going to be in the 8th and 10th grades.  Homeschooling them is not going to be as easy as it was when they were in Kindergarten and 2nd.  Teaching phonics was a piece of cake.  Teaching French won't be, especially since I don't speak it.  Helping them master the multiplication tables was easy.  Chemistry?  Oy.  Not to mention, I am going back to school in the fall.  Double oy.

I immediately started researching online charter options, which was unbelievably depressing.  I finally laid my head down on my desk and prayed.  It wasn't an awesome, flowery, confident prayer.  It was more along the lines of, "Oh.God. Help. me."

Then, I lifted up my eyes and turned to the comfort of facebook.  Imagine my surprise when I saw a message from a homeschooling friend asking if I knew of any homeschooled highschoolers that might be interested in taking a French I class?  I messaged her immediately, "Yes, Kennedy would!!!"  I briefly relayed the story to her of what had happened and she shot me another message.  "Oh, there's a homeschool Chemistry class too!  And I have an extra set of books!  Also, I have an Algebra II text and Teacher's manuals - could you use those?"

It was like a thousand ton weight was lifted off my shoulders.  In a matter of minutes, I could see how it would all work out.  What had seemed impossible just moments before now seemed entirely possible and maybe even a little bit fun.  With those two major hurdles out of the way, the rest of the planning will be relatively easy.  Sure, it will still be a challenge, but we can do this.  We may even love this.

You can say it was a coincidence, but I know it wasn't.  I know that I know that in that moment God looked down on me and had compassion and reached into the middle of my struggle and provided a solution.  I know there is still a lot of work to be done and it will indeed be a challenging year.  But, the gift of a new perspective is priceless.

It really was The Amazing Day.