My kids, like most other I'm sure, are very curious at what point they will finally be a "grown-up." I usually give some vague answer like, "Well, according to the law, you will be a grown-up when you turn 18, but....that isn't always the case." This is a confusing and frustrating answer to them. But, I'm not really sure how to change it to make it more concrete.
It is true, that years ago in America, one could be reasonably sure that by the time a young person reached 18 they would be ready to strike out on their own and one could also be reasonably sure that they would make it. This does not seem to be the case any longer. Am I right?
I heard the other day that 25 is the new 18. While my knee jerk reaction was to say, "Whatever. These kids just need to grow up!" I realized in the next beat that that was simply not a fair assessment. I do think it's true that kids are maybe not given as much responsibility or expected to grow up as fast as they used to be; however; in their defense, growing up in 21st century America is a bit complicated.
First, I would like to compare it to what it would be like to grow up in a less progressive society. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm awfully glad that I have electricity, running water, and a car. But, what if I neither had those things or knew they existed? What if the age of maturity occurred when a child had arrived at puberty and could hunt a buffalo or prepare a meal? I am just pointing out that raising a child in those cultures is a bit of a simpler affair.
Getting a child to adulthood in America, or any of our counterpart countries, just feels daunting sometimes. There are so many obstacles they have to maneuver around, so many things are expected of them, and they have to know how to do SO MUCH before they can make it on their own.
Then, there is this concept of "educational inflation." 50 years ago, really even 25 years ago, a high school diploma meant something. Now, it really is just what you need to get into college. I know there is the odd person who makes it in today's world without post-secondary learning, but they are few and far between. (Take it from my husband, who is pursing his Master's degree at the age of 46). I remember, as a kid, looking so forward to the summer after high school because it meant FREEDOM!!!! In fact, I spent the summer at home and then the fall after I graduated I jumped on a tour bus with 29 people I didn't know and proceeded to tour the world for 3 years with a dance production. It was the best of times.
I am afraid that for my kids, the summer after high school just looks like the break between high school and "who knows how much more school." I can understand why they sometimes seem despondent about the whole thing.
But, I give them pep talks and I encourage them and I let them know that we will be their biggest cheerleaders throughout the whole process. I tell them over and over that they are smart, that they can do it, that God will help them too, that He has a plan and that He knew all along that they would grow up in this time and this place.
I don't think it's possible to overstate the above - growing up in America in this day and age is not for the faint of heart.
Family 2015
Monday, March 26, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Gatekeeper
I'm going to springboard off of a conversation that I was just having with a couple of other women. All of us are Moms and so, we were talking about - surprise - being a Mom.
Our conversation went in many directions, but I was kind of having my own internal conversation as we jumped around. I have been thinking a lot lately about what the role of a Mom in the home really is....and you know what? It's a big deal.
Moms are, in the truest sense, Gatekeepers. We, more than anyone else, are in control of what we allow into our homes and into our kids. Don't worry. I'm not here to down on Harry Potter or descry the evils of sugar...you know me better than that.
But, I am here to say, Do you know how powerful you are, Mom? Did you know that the role you play in the lives of your children and your home is the most important one you play? Did you know that although society has tried to tell you that just about anyone could do your job, they are dead wrong?
The other day, I was driving Pierce to school and from the backseat he said, "Hey Mom, so did God build all the stuff that's on the world?" I said, "Kind of. He made man and the animals and all the plants and then he gave men the wisdom to invent things like buildings, cities, streets, cars, stuff like that." "Oh, I get it, " he said. He went back to his snack, but my mind kept on moving.
I was stunned at the simplicity of the exchange. I don't know why, it's not like I haven't had a million or so similar conversations since I became a parent; but this one just hit me. He just takes me at my word. In his mind, whatever I tell him is true. For a few years, whatever I write on the slate of his heart and mind just goes there without question or filter.
That is an amazing privilege and responsibility.
I will fill up that slate in the most measured and pre-meditated way that I can. He will know about faith and about love and about responsibility and about kindness and respect. He will hear and see me affirm him in his uniqueness AND experience me letting him know that unique does not mean "without boundaries."
When our kids are grown, their hearts will always carry the indelible first print that we leave, let use our wisdom and prayers to make sure it is print that will serve them well.
Our conversation went in many directions, but I was kind of having my own internal conversation as we jumped around. I have been thinking a lot lately about what the role of a Mom in the home really is....and you know what? It's a big deal.
Moms are, in the truest sense, Gatekeepers. We, more than anyone else, are in control of what we allow into our homes and into our kids. Don't worry. I'm not here to down on Harry Potter or descry the evils of sugar...you know me better than that.
But, I am here to say, Do you know how powerful you are, Mom? Did you know that the role you play in the lives of your children and your home is the most important one you play? Did you know that although society has tried to tell you that just about anyone could do your job, they are dead wrong?
The other day, I was driving Pierce to school and from the backseat he said, "Hey Mom, so did God build all the stuff that's on the world?" I said, "Kind of. He made man and the animals and all the plants and then he gave men the wisdom to invent things like buildings, cities, streets, cars, stuff like that." "Oh, I get it, " he said. He went back to his snack, but my mind kept on moving.
I was stunned at the simplicity of the exchange. I don't know why, it's not like I haven't had a million or so similar conversations since I became a parent; but this one just hit me. He just takes me at my word. In his mind, whatever I tell him is true. For a few years, whatever I write on the slate of his heart and mind just goes there without question or filter.
That is an amazing privilege and responsibility.
I will fill up that slate in the most measured and pre-meditated way that I can. He will know about faith and about love and about responsibility and about kindness and respect. He will hear and see me affirm him in his uniqueness AND experience me letting him know that unique does not mean "without boundaries."
When our kids are grown, their hearts will always carry the indelible first print that we leave, let use our wisdom and prayers to make sure it is print that will serve them well.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
On why it's called "practicing" medicine....
I am not a hater of doctors. On the contrary, I really like them. I think they bring a wonderful gift to humanity and anybody who is about the business of trying to make people well is ok in my book.
They are not all created equal, however, and I really wish there was a way to pick out the really good ones just by looking at their name and their credentials. No such luck.
One of my daughters has sported a significant hearing loss in one of her ears for most of her life. When she was 4, she had an x-ray that showed her inner ear bones were slightly overlapping. Since that x-ray, we have seen 3 ENT's. They all told me (based on the x-ray) that they would need to do pretty major surgery to open up her ear canal and file the bones down. However, they said, the bones may grow apart on their own at some point or the surgery may not correct the hearing loss.
A major surgery that involves opening up my daughter's head for something that may or may not work or may correct itself eventually seemed like a pretty drastic step to take.
So, we have waited. For 9 years.
Now, I don't mean to imply that she can't hear at all. She can. But, she often needs to be seated at the front of the class in school, she often needs to ask others to repeat themselves; and I'm sure her dance teachers have, on more than one occassion, wondered why she completely ignores them if they try to talk to her from across the studio. It has been a very big frustration to her and I have questioned whether or not I should just give the surgery a go more than once.
Anyway, yesterday we met with ENT #4. Imagine my surprise when didn't even ask about the existence of any x-rays and simply pulled out an instrument that looked like a tuning fork. He smacked it against his own leg to make it vibrate and then held it up to her good ear. She immediately pulled her head back from the high pitched tone. Then, he held it to the other ear, she didn't move. "Can you hear that?" he asked. "Not really." she said. He turned it around and touched it behind her ear. Once it made contact with her head she immediately said, "Oh, I can hear it now."
He turned to me and said, "Pretty simple, Mom. She has a bunch of fluid in her left ear, probably because her eustachian tube is immature and it needs to be drained. My staff will set up the appointment for you at the hospital, it takes about 5 minutes. Any questions?"
I was dumbfounded. He was so matter of fact. Why didn't those other ENT's have a tuning fork? I was wondering. Don't they know about that trick? Has my daughter really dealt with this for NINE YEARS and a simple 5 minute procedure will fix it?
I was ecstatic and furious at the same time.
Today, I am mostly ecstatic. In less than a month, this problem that has plagued her most of her life will be history. And I will always remember why they call it a "practice."
They are not all created equal, however, and I really wish there was a way to pick out the really good ones just by looking at their name and their credentials. No such luck.
One of my daughters has sported a significant hearing loss in one of her ears for most of her life. When she was 4, she had an x-ray that showed her inner ear bones were slightly overlapping. Since that x-ray, we have seen 3 ENT's. They all told me (based on the x-ray) that they would need to do pretty major surgery to open up her ear canal and file the bones down. However, they said, the bones may grow apart on their own at some point or the surgery may not correct the hearing loss.
A major surgery that involves opening up my daughter's head for something that may or may not work or may correct itself eventually seemed like a pretty drastic step to take.
So, we have waited. For 9 years.
Now, I don't mean to imply that she can't hear at all. She can. But, she often needs to be seated at the front of the class in school, she often needs to ask others to repeat themselves; and I'm sure her dance teachers have, on more than one occassion, wondered why she completely ignores them if they try to talk to her from across the studio. It has been a very big frustration to her and I have questioned whether or not I should just give the surgery a go more than once.
Anyway, yesterday we met with ENT #4. Imagine my surprise when didn't even ask about the existence of any x-rays and simply pulled out an instrument that looked like a tuning fork. He smacked it against his own leg to make it vibrate and then held it up to her good ear. She immediately pulled her head back from the high pitched tone. Then, he held it to the other ear, she didn't move. "Can you hear that?" he asked. "Not really." she said. He turned it around and touched it behind her ear. Once it made contact with her head she immediately said, "Oh, I can hear it now."
He turned to me and said, "Pretty simple, Mom. She has a bunch of fluid in her left ear, probably because her eustachian tube is immature and it needs to be drained. My staff will set up the appointment for you at the hospital, it takes about 5 minutes. Any questions?"
I was dumbfounded. He was so matter of fact. Why didn't those other ENT's have a tuning fork? I was wondering. Don't they know about that trick? Has my daughter really dealt with this for NINE YEARS and a simple 5 minute procedure will fix it?
I was ecstatic and furious at the same time.
Today, I am mostly ecstatic. In less than a month, this problem that has plagued her most of her life will be history. And I will always remember why they call it a "practice."
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A devil behind every bush
Have you noticed that people obsess about why things in their lives are the way that they are? I have. Also, I have been guilty of the same. There must be an explanation, and if things are not going my way; there must be a reason and I must be able to fix it. Right? Um, no.
This is a tricky one for me sometimes because I certainly do believe that God is involved with mankind in gneral and with my life (and yours) specifically. As a way of deflecting some arrows before they are launched let me tell you what I don't mean by that. I don't mean that I think everything that happens on this earth is God's will - seriously, what kind of a crazy God would orchestrate all of the events that we see around us??? Men have free will. Also, we live on this imperfect orb. Sometimes things just happen.
Which brings me back to my original point. I am starting to think, as I get older and hopefully wiser, that life is much more about how I react to things and much less about why they happen in the first place. For example - should I waste my time wondering why the power went out and grousing about how unfair it is or should I just get busy and find some candles?
This is a tricky one to pass onto kids. I mean, am I not admitting that I'm just starting to get it? Kids have their "it's not fair" and "why me" meters set on ultra-sensitive. Everything that doesn't go their way is seen as a conspiracy. I have argued and argued against this notion in my kids' brains, but many times my arguments fall on deaf ears as I can almost literally hear them thinking, "Yah, yah, but why ME?"
Well, Mihailoff children, be warned. This conversation is not over. "Why me?" is the wrong question, and I am making it my personal mission to replace that question in your brain with "what now?"
'Why me' is reactive. 'What now' is proactive. 'Why me' is the question of a victim. 'What now' is the question of a leader. 'Why me' shows immaturity. 'What now' shows that we are growing.
Yep, "what now" is what I'm after.
This is a tricky one for me sometimes because I certainly do believe that God is involved with mankind in gneral and with my life (and yours) specifically. As a way of deflecting some arrows before they are launched let me tell you what I don't mean by that. I don't mean that I think everything that happens on this earth is God's will - seriously, what kind of a crazy God would orchestrate all of the events that we see around us??? Men have free will. Also, we live on this imperfect orb. Sometimes things just happen.
Which brings me back to my original point. I am starting to think, as I get older and hopefully wiser, that life is much more about how I react to things and much less about why they happen in the first place. For example - should I waste my time wondering why the power went out and grousing about how unfair it is or should I just get busy and find some candles?
This is a tricky one to pass onto kids. I mean, am I not admitting that I'm just starting to get it? Kids have their "it's not fair" and "why me" meters set on ultra-sensitive. Everything that doesn't go their way is seen as a conspiracy. I have argued and argued against this notion in my kids' brains, but many times my arguments fall on deaf ears as I can almost literally hear them thinking, "Yah, yah, but why ME?"
Well, Mihailoff children, be warned. This conversation is not over. "Why me?" is the wrong question, and I am making it my personal mission to replace that question in your brain with "what now?"
'Why me' is reactive. 'What now' is proactive. 'Why me' is the question of a victim. 'What now' is the question of a leader. 'Why me' shows immaturity. 'What now' shows that we are growing.
Yep, "what now" is what I'm after.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Time.
I cannot believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I last wrote...where exactly did those 2 weeks go?? How is it that time so quickly evaporated??
It is a strange phenomenon, the passage of time. There are moments when it seems to drag on forever, like when you're at the dentist; and times when you can scarcely believe that a new day has already arrived. I am discovering that the older my kids get, I have fewer and fewer "dentist" days and more and more "where did that day go??" days.
Seriously, babies and toddlers are sweet and marvelous and amazing and... mind-numbingly boring. I can remember so many days of endless diapers, Blues Clues, fruit snacks and naps - days where I longed for meaningful adult conversation and talked the ears off of unsuspecting grocery store clerks whenever I got the chance.
Those days don't really exist anymore. For one thing, a few of my children are now quite interesting conversationalists. We have graduated from, "I love you, but if I have to read 'Goodnight Moon' one more time I will spontaneously combust" to "Tell me what you think about this. How do you think this should be handled? What are your feelings on...?" It's terrific, let me tell you.
Also, I rarely stay at my house all day. That is shocking as I used to rarely leave my house. You might think I'm kidding but I'm not. A little outing to the store when you have to pack a diaper bag, buckle 5 car seats, work around naps and then navigate potential meltdowns is not as fun as it sounds. I would usually elect to do all of my errands well after bedtime meaning that I spent most days in my house. Now, my days are completely broken up by getting everyone everywhere...on time. It's not exciting, per se, but it does make things seem to move a little more quickly.
So, all of that to say, wow! It's been two weeks!
In my defense, I did have 2 kids that had birthdays and one that went to the hospital, so I have been a little busier even than usual.
Still. I love to write and I love all of you, so I will try, from now on, to not let time get the best of me.
It is a strange phenomenon, the passage of time. There are moments when it seems to drag on forever, like when you're at the dentist; and times when you can scarcely believe that a new day has already arrived. I am discovering that the older my kids get, I have fewer and fewer "dentist" days and more and more "where did that day go??" days.
Seriously, babies and toddlers are sweet and marvelous and amazing and... mind-numbingly boring. I can remember so many days of endless diapers, Blues Clues, fruit snacks and naps - days where I longed for meaningful adult conversation and talked the ears off of unsuspecting grocery store clerks whenever I got the chance.
Those days don't really exist anymore. For one thing, a few of my children are now quite interesting conversationalists. We have graduated from, "I love you, but if I have to read 'Goodnight Moon' one more time I will spontaneously combust" to "Tell me what you think about this. How do you think this should be handled? What are your feelings on...?" It's terrific, let me tell you.
Also, I rarely stay at my house all day. That is shocking as I used to rarely leave my house. You might think I'm kidding but I'm not. A little outing to the store when you have to pack a diaper bag, buckle 5 car seats, work around naps and then navigate potential meltdowns is not as fun as it sounds. I would usually elect to do all of my errands well after bedtime meaning that I spent most days in my house. Now, my days are completely broken up by getting everyone everywhere...on time. It's not exciting, per se, but it does make things seem to move a little more quickly.
So, all of that to say, wow! It's been two weeks!
In my defense, I did have 2 kids that had birthdays and one that went to the hospital, so I have been a little busier even than usual.
Still. I love to write and I love all of you, so I will try, from now on, to not let time get the best of me.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Full Circle
So, I seem to remember that about the time I started this blog was the same time that Pierce started speech therapy. Now, he's done. "He has made great progress," said his therapist today, "all his goals are met, he's a hard worker....and, I don't need to see him anymore."
Hearing her say that was like a sucker punch to the heart. Sheesh, what is up with me???
If you know me well, or probably even if you barely know me, you have figured out that I'm kind of the analytical type. I'm a woman, yes, but I'm not known for making emotional decisions, having major emotional breakdowns, or even really caring that much about emotions. I have'em, sure. But, what good are they? They change as quick as the wind and they are not good indicators of the reality of any situation.
So.
I have not really ever been the type of Mom who can't stand to see her kids cry. Wow, that sounds cold. But, that's not what I mean. Of course, I don't LIKE it, but even in the moment that they are upset; I can usually keep a pretty cool head. I can assess WHY the tears are there and respond without getting all caught up in the moment. You know, if they're hurt - fix it. If they're throwing a fit - walk away. If someone is being mean to them - talk to the people who are in charge. If they are upset, hug them, encourage them. But, I've never seen the need to join in or panic.
So, that is why today was such a shock to me.
Here is this lady, who at the beginning; I was feeling a little antagonistic towards; telling me that my son is done. He has accomplished all this great work. I should feel proud. And, I do....
But mostly, I'm trying real hard to swallow the lump in my throat and hoping she doesn't notice that my eyes are misting over with tears. Done?? But, he likes you! I have gotten used to coming here on Tuesdays and you feel like a friend to me now. I enjoy my lunch date with my boy after speech therapy and before school...I don't WANT to be done.
Because....it means that time is marching on....it means that even as I enjoy these moments with not just Pierce, but all of my kids, that they are passing....it means that although I love to watch them grow up, I don't really want them to.
*sigh* Emotions are for the birds.
Hearing her say that was like a sucker punch to the heart. Sheesh, what is up with me???
If you know me well, or probably even if you barely know me, you have figured out that I'm kind of the analytical type. I'm a woman, yes, but I'm not known for making emotional decisions, having major emotional breakdowns, or even really caring that much about emotions. I have'em, sure. But, what good are they? They change as quick as the wind and they are not good indicators of the reality of any situation.
So.
I have not really ever been the type of Mom who can't stand to see her kids cry. Wow, that sounds cold. But, that's not what I mean. Of course, I don't LIKE it, but even in the moment that they are upset; I can usually keep a pretty cool head. I can assess WHY the tears are there and respond without getting all caught up in the moment. You know, if they're hurt - fix it. If they're throwing a fit - walk away. If someone is being mean to them - talk to the people who are in charge. If they are upset, hug them, encourage them. But, I've never seen the need to join in or panic.
So, that is why today was such a shock to me.
Here is this lady, who at the beginning; I was feeling a little antagonistic towards; telling me that my son is done. He has accomplished all this great work. I should feel proud. And, I do....
But mostly, I'm trying real hard to swallow the lump in my throat and hoping she doesn't notice that my eyes are misting over with tears. Done?? But, he likes you! I have gotten used to coming here on Tuesdays and you feel like a friend to me now. I enjoy my lunch date with my boy after speech therapy and before school...I don't WANT to be done.
Because....it means that time is marching on....it means that even as I enjoy these moments with not just Pierce, but all of my kids, that they are passing....it means that although I love to watch them grow up, I don't really want them to.
*sigh* Emotions are for the birds.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Well....
I assume you're expecting me to talk about that whole mess....and I probably will. But, not tonight. Tonight I am sick of talking about that whole mess and I'm just glad it's over.
Tonight, I would like to talk about something significantly less controversial.
So, here goes.
I have been enjoying, all day, the sounds of my kids playing together. We have church at 4:00, so our Sunday mornings are very relaxed. We sleep in (hallelujah) and then my husband and I usually go out for coffee. Many times, they are all sleeping when we leave the house, and when we return, they are up, enjoying their relaxing morning and waiting for donuts. :)
They watch a little t.v., but usually well before noon; the t.v. is off and they are playing together. I just love to hear them concoct their imaginary tales. I love to hear them laugh as they act them out. I love that they can be satisfied with a bin of legos, some scraps of material and each other. Love it.
There have been times when I have been frustrated that we haven't always been able to provide them with the latest and greatest in terms of technology. But, you know what? Now, I realize I'm glad that I couldn't.
Don't get me wrong. I like to watch t.v. and I enjoy the computer. But, I am so glad for the memories I have from being a kid - when there were 3 channels on the t.v. and no such thing as a computer. I'm glad for the memories of having nothing to do for the whole day except read, play with friends, chase fireflies, roast marshmallows. I'm glad that I learned how to be alone. To think my own thoughts and figure out my world without the constant barrage of the media.
I'm glad my kids have that option too. They are growing up into wonderful people. And, yes, ever-evolving technology is a reality that they will live with; but I like to think that their memories of these sorts of days will stick with them and help them distinguish true relationships from social networking. That these family times will be an anchor for their souls.
That they will never lose the ability to enjoy the simple.
Tonight, I would like to talk about something significantly less controversial.
So, here goes.
I have been enjoying, all day, the sounds of my kids playing together. We have church at 4:00, so our Sunday mornings are very relaxed. We sleep in (hallelujah) and then my husband and I usually go out for coffee. Many times, they are all sleeping when we leave the house, and when we return, they are up, enjoying their relaxing morning and waiting for donuts. :)
They watch a little t.v., but usually well before noon; the t.v. is off and they are playing together. I just love to hear them concoct their imaginary tales. I love to hear them laugh as they act them out. I love that they can be satisfied with a bin of legos, some scraps of material and each other. Love it.
There have been times when I have been frustrated that we haven't always been able to provide them with the latest and greatest in terms of technology. But, you know what? Now, I realize I'm glad that I couldn't.
Don't get me wrong. I like to watch t.v. and I enjoy the computer. But, I am so glad for the memories I have from being a kid - when there were 3 channels on the t.v. and no such thing as a computer. I'm glad for the memories of having nothing to do for the whole day except read, play with friends, chase fireflies, roast marshmallows. I'm glad that I learned how to be alone. To think my own thoughts and figure out my world without the constant barrage of the media.
I'm glad my kids have that option too. They are growing up into wonderful people. And, yes, ever-evolving technology is a reality that they will live with; but I like to think that their memories of these sorts of days will stick with them and help them distinguish true relationships from social networking. That these family times will be an anchor for their souls.
That they will never lose the ability to enjoy the simple.
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