Hold on Loosely

Well, it's no secret to any of you that we have officially dropped our oldest daughter off at college.

I'm not sure how I expected to feel at this stage of life, but the reality is kind of surreal.

I will miss her - yes!!  But, I'm so excited for her!!  I feel like she's ready to face the next part of life and do it successfully.  That's a good parenting feeling. :)

As the other 4 headed back to school on Wednesday, I was trapped in the feeling of "hovering over my life."  I felt like I was observing our comings and goings as a spectator - this happens to you, right??  I'm not crazy??

Anyway, crazy or not, the feeling has lingered and I have been struck with how little control I really have of things.  Sure, the 4 younger kids are still living under our roof, but time marches on.  Just as surely as Kennedy stepped into the next chapter of her life, they all will do the same. I don't feel like it's gonna happen tomorrow or anything, we still have 10 years until the last kid graduates; but the thought does give me pause.

My job is to love fiercely, but hold on loosely.

These are MY kids...but really, they are HIS kids.

I will hold their hand for as long as I can, but my job is to transfer their hand from mine to God's.  After all, He's the omnipotent one, He will truly always be there for them.

Last night, I was talking to Pierce (who, as usual, is struggling with heading back to school) and I made a comment about Jesus always being with him.  He said, "Well, if He is always with me, why can't you be?"

Ah, there's the rub.  Because I can't buddy.  I'm just a human.  I love you like no other human on the planet, but I'm just a human.

Oh, the amazing peace that comes from knowing He will never leave them.  I'm not afraid to hold on loosely because I know they are tight in the arms of the lover of their soul.

Selah.

Changes

Nic and I took a walk yesterday and we were comparing notes for the upcoming year - there's gonna be a lot of new stuff going on around here.

You may not believe it from the life I live, but I am not really a fan of change.  I like predictable, stable, boring even.  I don't get much of that.

I know you all know, BUT OUR OLDEST DAUGHTER IS GOING TO COLLEGE.  I am not panicking about this, actually I'm very excited for Kennedy; but I also know that I have never experienced this before and so I don't really know what to expect.  One day at a time.

Reagan will be our only high schooler this year, but before too long she will be driving herself everywhere.  Also, her Junior year is packed full of tough classes and she dances 6 days a week - we don't feel like we see her much during the school year as it is - when she drives, maybe never?

McKinley's last year of middle school and Carter's first.  McKinley's life feels like it is on fast forward.  She will be in 8th grade, but she is taking Algebra, Latin, and playing flute in the band.  She has her sights set on Stanford University in 5 years.  I feel like it could actually happen, and way quicker than I think.

YES, Carter is going to middle school.  WTH????   Seriously, I feel like it happens faster with each kid.  He oughta still be watching Polar Express everyday and drinking chocolate milk from a sippy cup, right??  No.

Pierce will be in 3rd grade and he is now our only elementary aged child.  He still feels pretty young to me, but it could just be denial.  He is almost 9 after all.  Dang.

Anyway, none of this is bad, but it does seem like a lot at once.  The older the kids get, the less time I get to adjust to all the new.  I suppose God knew about this long ago and is prepared to help me through it.

Today is just one of those days I need to be reminded that He will do just that.  Good thing He's the same yesterday, today and forever because He's the only thing that is.

Trusting - Every Day

I have a distinct memory of being in church as a young teenager and listening to the story of the Israelites being delivered from Egypt.  The minister was talking about how, although they had experienced God's miraculous deliverance out of bondage and even across the Red Sea, they still struggled with unbelief when food became scarce.  "Did God bring us out here to die??" they whined, "it would've been better if we had died in Egypt where there was plenty of food!!"  I remember being incredulous at their unbelief and thinking how on earth anyone who had experienced such miracles could ever doubt again.

Well.

I must admit that I have the same propensity as the Israelites.  I have, without a doubt, experienced God's miraculous provision and grace time and time again.  But, when faced with a new challenge, it is not my automatic response to look back and remember His faithfulness.

As our kids get older, the challenges of raising them gets different, the cares of life are more serious - bigger, scarier, I have less control.  It is tempting, very tempting, to melt into a puddle of worry about how it will all work out.  But, I have atleast learned that worrying accomplishes nothing, and so I turn to planning.  But, that has limitations too.   Things don't always (ok, never) work out the way I have planned.

So, finally, I throw up my hands and tell God He's gonna have to handle it.

Oh right. He always has.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  The number of my days He will fulfill.

Still, choosing to trust is a daily proposition.  Minute by minute sometimes.  I have more understanding for those Israelites these days.  They were just human, like me.  :)

Broken is Beautiful?

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes all of the articles, comments, blogs, memes that float around the internet with the basic message "brokenness is beautiful" wear. me . out.

Here's what I think:

Brokenness is not beautiful.  It is called broken for a reason.

I certainly have brokenness and I certainly acknowledge that God is very adept at bringing beauty from my broken, but in and of itself, it is not beautiful.  It is ugly and hard and exhausting.

I suppose you could say it's a simple matter of semantics and, of course, that's what people really mean - they mean it's beautiful when brokenness gets fixed - of course they don't mean the actual, ugly part of broken is beautiful - of course not.

But, that's not how it reads, ya'll. (ya'll - slowly becoming a Virginian). ;)

There's something about this generation, or maybe just this time in history, that makes us all want to revel in the trials.  Makes us want to celebrate our imperfections.  Makes us want to wrap our arms around our struggles and let them define us.

It seems noble at the outtake.  We're all being honest, being vulnerable, embracing our process - I'm all for it - as long as it doesn't end there.

The end of all of this is supposed to be the part where we have victory over the broken, where wholeness rises up out of the ashes - and please don't tell me we will once we get to Heaven.  Please, just don't.  I serve a God who tells me that I will see His goodness in this day, in this time, in the land of the living.  And, I have already, on plenty of occassions.

But, I don't want to stop there.  I want to keep pressing forward and believing that there will be more victories, more repaired brokenness, more goodness.

Amen.

This IS Life

We are extraordinarily busy right now.  When all the kids were littler and I felt overwhelmed, my friends with older kids would sometimes tell me, "just wait, it's worse when they get older." (Because they were encouraging like that - lol!)

I didn't believe them, not because I thought they were liars, but because I couldn't comprehend being any busier than I was at the moment.  I figured they just didn't remember what it was like when their kids were young and all they did was change diapers, feed babies and clean up mess after mess after mess.

Turns out, they did remember, and they were right.

The busyness is different, but it is BUSY.  Keeping track of our schedules and coordinating who needs to be where and when is a task of great proportions.  I couldn't do it without my husband and car pool friends.  Even with that, we often collapse on the couch at night barely believing we're getting up in a few short hours to do it all over again.

Friday, I was picking McKinley up early from school to take her to a doctor's appointment and lamenting the fact that I wasn't going to get my usual Friday tasks accomplished because of several appointments I had crammed into that day weeks before.  I signed her out and she hopped in the car and immediately starting telling me about some middle school girl drama. My brain was exhausted and I could barely fathom listening to her list of complaints, my knee jerk reaction was to tune her out and throw in the cursory "mmhmm" and "oh, that's awful" while not really paying attention.

Then, like a lightning bolt to my brain came this thought, "This IS life!  Don't wish it away!  That 12 year old sitting next to you with her middle school sized problems - she is growing and will one day soon be an adult and not need you nearly as much.  Tune in, Mom.  These are the days she will remember."

I did, and we had a great conversation.  I looked at all my kids differently that night - 3 of them had to be different places and so our Friday evening wasn't exactly relaxing, but I enjoyed my time in the car with each of them, and cherished our interaction.

Here is my early New Year's resolution:  I will do my best to enjoy each moment, no matter how hectic.  Life is a gift and I will treat it that way. :)

Desperate Love

So, Pierce has been dealing with some common childhood fears lately - specifically the thought of being left alone.  He has had some dreams where it's the end of the school day, he misses the bus and then we never come to get him, stuff like that.

I know that some kids struggle with this, but it doesn't stop me from wondering, how can a child who is so desperately loved have these thoughts??

Then, last night, as I was laying in bed, I felt God shoot that thought straight back at me:

"Indeed, I wonder the same thing about my kids."

Dang.  Whatever may be going on in your life today, remember, you are loved desperately by the God of the Universe.

Update

Good grief, I'm afraid to look at the date of my last post.  By way of an explanation, I'll just say I've been a little busy.  :)

We have been here in Virginia for 15 months now and I feel like life has finally settled into a rhythm.  When we first moved, many friends who had moved before us told me it would take between 6 months and 2 years for our new home to feel like "home."  I think I have finally hit the magical line where that happens, Stuarts Draft is where I feel comfortable now.  *cue sappy music*

I couldn't be happier with how things are unfolding for the kids.  Kennedy is in her senior year and has had 2 great seasons with the marching band.  She plans to march in college as well and has a car and (almost) a license.  She went to her first job interview yesterday.  She has made some great friends and had a lot of good times.  I have been amazed to watch her take on the challenge of starting a new school, in a new state, as a Junior - she has, in a word, flourished.

Hooray for the Staunton Academy of Ballet!!  How amazing that there was such a great studio 10 miles from our house.  Reagan is dancing more than ever and loving it more than ever.  She is very disciplined and focused (as most dancers are) and manages her time so well.  She has made friends mostly at dance, but is also involved as much as possible at the high school.  She voluntarily gets up super early on Thursdays to go to Campaigners - a branch of Young Life.  So proud of her.

McKinley is in her second year of middle school and is doing GREAT.  She excels academically and handles the ups and downs of middle school better than the average bear.  I always tell her the sky is her limit and I have no doubt that's where she'll end up.

Carter and Pierce have settled into the elementary school here very well and both have many friends. Carter tried football this fall and Pierce played soccer.  I have comfort in the fact that by the time they both head to the middle school (next year for Carter!), they will be well established in our new little community.

I am working as a receptionist/dental assistant and I love it!  The hours are great, the people are great, the field is interesting.  It has been an adjustment figuring out how to manage my household as a "working" mom after all those years of staying home, but my family has been gracious.  I'm also teaching a ballet class every week and that is good for my soul.  :)  I like my new normal.

Nic started back in the summer working with a friend of ours doing some painting and he is still at it. He is staying busy and of course, still writing.  He coached Pierce's soccer team and renewed his CDL so he could drive the bus for all the band stuff and the kid's field trips.  He is a great Dad and husband, we make a great team.  I am so grateful.

So, that is our update.  I think about all of you often, you are always in my heart.  I hope this finds you doing well and enjoying your life too.  *Big, fat, cyber hugs*  :)