Reflections

I think that because we've never experienced it before, each phase of parenting must feel like the busiest time of life.  I know I felt that way when I had bunches of babies, toddlers and preschoolers.  I definitely felt that way when I was homeschooling.  Then, it felt even busier when I was homeschooling some and some were going to school.   But, this....this time of life takes the proverbial cake.

Sometimes I feel like I am barely making it from one day to the next, much less enjoying the view along the way; so this morning I decided I needed to pause for a minute and take the time to think about all the great things that are happening in the midst of the craziness.

Thursday evening, we got to go and listen to the middle school jazz band.  McKinley only started playing the flute at the beginning of this year, but in true McKinley fashion, she jumped in with both feet.  She has progressed to the point that she caught up with the other flute players that started in 6th grade.  It was a true joy, not only to hear her play, but to see her interact with the other band members - it's like a peek inside her world and it made me happy.  She has big plans for high school (next year!) and beyond and I am proud and grateful that she has been afforded these opportunities.

Last night, we went to St. Paul's United Methodist Church where Reagan had been invited to dance for their annual dinner theater.  She has had many fantastic opportunities over the years with her dancing and I know there will be many more, but last night was significant because it was the first one that I had no part in.  She was invited to perform by a young lady I don't know, she went to rehearsals on her own and nobody in the building had any idea who we were.  It felt like the beginning of the next phase.  She has one more year of high school, but I miss her already.

In a little while, we will head to the fields at Wilson to watch Pierce play soccer.  Nic is his coach and has been for the last 2 years.  I have no thought that Pierce will end up being a pro soccer player or anything, but being involved in the sport has made him grow so much.  He is the baby of the family, some might say a Mama's boy, but his maturing is coming right along.

Tomorrow afternoon we will get to go and watch Carter play lacrosse.  We have always known he was very athletic, but we just couldn't find the right fit for him.  Well, I think we have found it.  He shines on that field, not only with ability, but with joy, it just pours off of him.  We don't know much about lacrosse yet, but his coach has told us he has a fair amount of natural talent and has invited him to play travel lacrosse in the fall.  I bet I will be a pro lacrosse fan in a few years. :)  

And then Kennedy, by the end of this week she will have finished up her freshman year of college.  I am so, so proud of her.  We moved that girl across the country right before her junior year and she rose to the challenge.  She has grown tremendously over the past year.  I'm looking forward to being able to spend some time with her this summer.

So, yes, I am so dang busy right now.  I get tired and I want everything to stop so I can sleep for 43 hours.  But, not really.  This is an exciting time for all of us and it is the fruit of many prayers and tears.  Thank you, God, for taking care of my kids. 

I will take a deep breath and do my best to enjoy every bit of it.  Now, off to get ready for soccer. :)

Tired

I am by nature an encourager, an incurable optimist.  I really love to be a good listener, to help people look at things from a different perspective, to remind them of all the good things in life when their road is tough, to just generally be the voice of "hey, this cup is half FULL!"

I'm also usually pretty good at being my own pep-talker, my own cheering section.

Usually.

But, there are sometimes when the weight of life is hard to shrug off.

I used to run away from those feelings.  They were too uncomfortable to face and it seemed too self-defeating to admit I was, well feeling kind of defeated.  But, no more.  I am determined to grow through these times, not bury my head in the sand.

The first couple of weeks of 2016 have been kind of tough.  There is plenty in my life that is good and right, and I am grateful.  But, I am also tired.  Tired of some of the struggles that seem to drag on and on.  Tired of not being able to fix things for the people I love.  Tired of trying so hard and feeling like my try is wasted.

I know all the right answers, I know what to tell myself to chase away the voices.  But, tonight, I'm not going to.

Tonight, I am going to hold all of this up to my Father and say, "I just can't."  I know now, that that is ok with him, that in fact, He probably waits for me to do it.  Waits for me to come to the end of myself so that I will turn fully to Him.

I am with David tonight, and I add the cry of my heart to his:

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I."  Psalm 61:2

Good night, friends.

Finding the Whisper

So, a friend of mine tagged me in a blog earlier today and it reminded me that it has been ages since I have written anything.  Now, I have plenty of legitimate reasons for that, but I do miss writing and so here goes.

Since it is almost the New Year, it seems appropriate to look back and take stock.  I usually love doing that, but this year, I have had trouble settling down to do it.  Maybe that is where I should start.

Life is busy, there is no getting around it.  I am not one to preach to people and tell them how they should slow down, get more sleep, eat better, exercise, etc.  It's not that I don't agree with those ideas, it's just that I have a hard time doing it myself.  I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend, a dental assistant and a dance instructor.  Where exactly do I insert the time to do those other things?

And yet, as this year rounds out, I feel the need to be better at it, at all of it.  I can't control the crazy, but I can control my approach to it.

I need more time to center my soul.  I need more time to hear God's voice and I know that only occurs in the quiet - He comes in the whisper.

And so, that is my pledge as we step into 2016.  I will do my very best to live on purpose, not just allow endless activity bowl me over.  I will take time, everyday, to be quiet and listen for the whisper. Yes, all the things in my life scream for my time and attention, but I will serve all of them better if I take care of myself first.

Another friend posted a meme which I have made into my phone screen saver, here is what it says:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness.  I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art.  And, I hope somewhere in the next year, your surprise yourself."

Yes, yes, yes.

Here's to a more intentional 2016.  May God bless you all.  :)

Hold on Loosely

Well, it's no secret to any of you that we have officially dropped our oldest daughter off at college.

I'm not sure how I expected to feel at this stage of life, but the reality is kind of surreal.

I will miss her - yes!!  But, I'm so excited for her!!  I feel like she's ready to face the next part of life and do it successfully.  That's a good parenting feeling. :)

As the other 4 headed back to school on Wednesday, I was trapped in the feeling of "hovering over my life."  I felt like I was observing our comings and goings as a spectator - this happens to you, right??  I'm not crazy??

Anyway, crazy or not, the feeling has lingered and I have been struck with how little control I really have of things.  Sure, the 4 younger kids are still living under our roof, but time marches on.  Just as surely as Kennedy stepped into the next chapter of her life, they all will do the same. I don't feel like it's gonna happen tomorrow or anything, we still have 10 years until the last kid graduates; but the thought does give me pause.

My job is to love fiercely, but hold on loosely.

These are MY kids...but really, they are HIS kids.

I will hold their hand for as long as I can, but my job is to transfer their hand from mine to God's.  After all, He's the omnipotent one, He will truly always be there for them.

Last night, I was talking to Pierce (who, as usual, is struggling with heading back to school) and I made a comment about Jesus always being with him.  He said, "Well, if He is always with me, why can't you be?"

Ah, there's the rub.  Because I can't buddy.  I'm just a human.  I love you like no other human on the planet, but I'm just a human.

Oh, the amazing peace that comes from knowing He will never leave them.  I'm not afraid to hold on loosely because I know they are tight in the arms of the lover of their soul.

Selah.

Changes

Nic and I took a walk yesterday and we were comparing notes for the upcoming year - there's gonna be a lot of new stuff going on around here.

You may not believe it from the life I live, but I am not really a fan of change.  I like predictable, stable, boring even.  I don't get much of that.

I know you all know, BUT OUR OLDEST DAUGHTER IS GOING TO COLLEGE.  I am not panicking about this, actually I'm very excited for Kennedy; but I also know that I have never experienced this before and so I don't really know what to expect.  One day at a time.

Reagan will be our only high schooler this year, but before too long she will be driving herself everywhere.  Also, her Junior year is packed full of tough classes and she dances 6 days a week - we don't feel like we see her much during the school year as it is - when she drives, maybe never?

McKinley's last year of middle school and Carter's first.  McKinley's life feels like it is on fast forward.  She will be in 8th grade, but she is taking Algebra, Latin, and playing flute in the band.  She has her sights set on Stanford University in 5 years.  I feel like it could actually happen, and way quicker than I think.

YES, Carter is going to middle school.  WTH????   Seriously, I feel like it happens faster with each kid.  He oughta still be watching Polar Express everyday and drinking chocolate milk from a sippy cup, right??  No.

Pierce will be in 3rd grade and he is now our only elementary aged child.  He still feels pretty young to me, but it could just be denial.  He is almost 9 after all.  Dang.

Anyway, none of this is bad, but it does seem like a lot at once.  The older the kids get, the less time I get to adjust to all the new.  I suppose God knew about this long ago and is prepared to help me through it.

Today is just one of those days I need to be reminded that He will do just that.  Good thing He's the same yesterday, today and forever because He's the only thing that is.

Trusting - Every Day

I have a distinct memory of being in church as a young teenager and listening to the story of the Israelites being delivered from Egypt.  The minister was talking about how, although they had experienced God's miraculous deliverance out of bondage and even across the Red Sea, they still struggled with unbelief when food became scarce.  "Did God bring us out here to die??" they whined, "it would've been better if we had died in Egypt where there was plenty of food!!"  I remember being incredulous at their unbelief and thinking how on earth anyone who had experienced such miracles could ever doubt again.

Well.

I must admit that I have the same propensity as the Israelites.  I have, without a doubt, experienced God's miraculous provision and grace time and time again.  But, when faced with a new challenge, it is not my automatic response to look back and remember His faithfulness.

As our kids get older, the challenges of raising them gets different, the cares of life are more serious - bigger, scarier, I have less control.  It is tempting, very tempting, to melt into a puddle of worry about how it will all work out.  But, I have atleast learned that worrying accomplishes nothing, and so I turn to planning.  But, that has limitations too.   Things don't always (ok, never) work out the way I have planned.

So, finally, I throw up my hands and tell God He's gonna have to handle it.

Oh right. He always has.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  The number of my days He will fulfill.

Still, choosing to trust is a daily proposition.  Minute by minute sometimes.  I have more understanding for those Israelites these days.  They were just human, like me.  :)

Broken is Beautiful?

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes all of the articles, comments, blogs, memes that float around the internet with the basic message "brokenness is beautiful" wear. me . out.

Here's what I think:

Brokenness is not beautiful.  It is called broken for a reason.

I certainly have brokenness and I certainly acknowledge that God is very adept at bringing beauty from my broken, but in and of itself, it is not beautiful.  It is ugly and hard and exhausting.

I suppose you could say it's a simple matter of semantics and, of course, that's what people really mean - they mean it's beautiful when brokenness gets fixed - of course they don't mean the actual, ugly part of broken is beautiful - of course not.

But, that's not how it reads, ya'll. (ya'll - slowly becoming a Virginian). ;)

There's something about this generation, or maybe just this time in history, that makes us all want to revel in the trials.  Makes us want to celebrate our imperfections.  Makes us want to wrap our arms around our struggles and let them define us.

It seems noble at the outtake.  We're all being honest, being vulnerable, embracing our process - I'm all for it - as long as it doesn't end there.

The end of all of this is supposed to be the part where we have victory over the broken, where wholeness rises up out of the ashes - and please don't tell me we will once we get to Heaven.  Please, just don't.  I serve a God who tells me that I will see His goodness in this day, in this time, in the land of the living.  And, I have already, on plenty of occassions.

But, I don't want to stop there.  I want to keep pressing forward and believing that there will be more victories, more repaired brokenness, more goodness.

Amen.