The Gradual Epiphany

I was going to come on here and say that I had an epiphany today, but that's not exactly right.  What occurred to me has occurred to me before...it's just that I feel like I understand it a little better every time it makes a comeback...so, I dub it the "gradual epiphany."

Here it is.

I cannot control how my children experience life.  (I know, it's mind-boggling).

Before we moved, I felt very responsible to make the transition as easy on the kids as possible.  I did not (bless the Lord) make the grave mistake of telling them that everything would be wonderful all the time - that life would magically become amazing as soon as we got to Virginia.  No.  I was pretty honest about there being difficult times and taking time to adjust, etc.  I did, however, take the burden of their emotional response onto my own shoulders.  In fact, I recently realized that I have been doing this for most of their lives.

Somewhere along the way, I got the idea that if something difficult was going on in one of their lives, my job was, not necessarily to make it better (because, let's be honest, I had to admit early on that that can't always be done), but at least to make it FEEL better.

That seems reasonable, I mean what parent likes to see their child sad or upset or overwhelmed or stressed out?

But, trying to magically fix their emotions: 1. doesn't work, 2. makes them feel bad for having emotions in the first place, and 3. doesn't make the problem go away.

The high school the girls go to does block scheduling, so that basically means that they get 4 brand new classes at the semester.  Originally, I thought it was pretty cool and it is... on paper.  But, what I didn't realize was that meant they would essentially have another first day of school in January.  New schedule, new teachers, different lunch...starting over.

It wasn't as hard as the first day of school in August, but yesterday was a pretty rough day.  I learned, though, between then and now.  Back in August, I was all in cheerleader mode, "it wasn't so bad!  you don't feel nervous or scared!  pretty soon life will be grand!  Rah, rah, rah!"  Not effective.  Also, not true.

So, yesterday, I tried a different approach.  "I'm sorry your day was so stressful.  It sucks that you have 2nd lunch and the people you used to sit with have 3rd lunch.  Yah, I would be pretty upset too.  Hey, even God gets angry - the Bible says so. It won't get better over night, just keep putting one foot in front of the other."

I don't know if it helped them anymore, but it sure felt better to me.  I don't need to worry that because they have a bad day, or week, or season, that they will be irreparably damaged.  It is unrealistic to try to keep them from ever feeling negative emotions. My honesty and sincere empathy go a lot further than my "it's all fine" facade.

Lesson learned.

I pray day 2 was a bit easier on them.
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Time to Celebrate!!!

I'm guessing that my title lead you to believe that I was going to be making some grand announcement about something amazing that has happened.

Well, no.

Today is pretty normal in the sense that I got up, got the kids up, ready and on the bus, had some coffee, threw in some laundry, put dinner in the crock pot... you get the picture.  But, all morning I have had this sense of...hmmm, how to say it...tenacity.  That's it, tenacity.

I get so bogged down sometimes with the worries of life and thinking about how this or that is going to work out.  Wondering why something did or didn't happen.  Wishing this or that had happened differently or, maybe even, not at all.

But today, I'm done with all that.  Because, gosh darn it, I am still putting one foot in front of the other.  Everyday.

I have a great marriage to a wonderful, hard working man who is a great father to my kids.

I have 5 pretty amazing kids (if I do say so myself).

My kids may not have all the latest and greatest gadgets, but they woke up in a warm house, had breakfast and marched off to a good school with clean clothes on their backs and shoes on their feet.

They will come home to a warm house. a good dinner and plenty of love and encouragment.

We are healthy.

We have been welcomed into a great new community and have lots of opportunity before us.

So, I will relinquish all those thoughts of  "woulda, shoulda, coulda."

Forward, march!  :)

Long Days and Short Years

"Enjoy those babies while you can!"  "They grow up so fast!!"  "Before you know it, they'll be on their own!"  "There will come a day when you will wish you had little ones under foot!"

I used to get so sick and tired of people saying these kinds of things to me when my kids were all little.  I would smile and nod and think, "you are crazy.  what do you mean they grow up so fast?  I feel like I have had babies and toddlers for centuries!"

This is not to say I was miserable, I wasn't.  I love my kids and I love being a Mom.  I just could not relate to this quick passing of time idea.

Now I get it.

Time does not pass quickly on a day to day basis, but when you look back, those years certainly do seem fleeting.

My two high schoolers have recently brought home their tentative class schedules for the fall of 2014 for us to look over and approve.  That's right.  I have 2 high schoolers.  My oldest daughter is going to be a senior in the fall.  A senior.  She will graduate from high school and be an adult.  ????  Wasn't she just watching Dora and the Donut Man the other day?

When they were younger, I felt pretty in control and able to keep up with all the goings on in their lives since it was mostly confined to the space in my house.  Nothing really happened that surprised me and there weren't really any challenges that I wasn't quite sure how to handle.

ATTENTION MOMS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: THIS CHANGES!! (Sorry for the yelling, but I wish someone had said that to me 10 years ago.  Or maybe they did and I wish I had listened...)

They have bigger challenges and I have less control.  On the one hand, it's exhilarating to watch them grow and to imagine what their futures will hold, on the other hand, I sort of prefer changing diapers and making bottles.  Almost no guesswork there.

I will end with this:

I am SO glad that we went ahead and "had all those kids" because now even though I have one who is ready to embark on adulthood, I also still have a 1st grader whose biggest concern is whether or not he's on the naughty list.

I will enjoy it while I can.



 

This is What I Can Do...

I hate feeling helpless.

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea that being a parent meant always having the answers and being able to fix everything.  Of course, it is ridiculous to think that, but the fantasy dies hard.

I recently had a conversation with one of my kids that was so heart-wrenching I almost couldn't bear it. There was a lot of crying, the shoulder-heaving kind of crying, and the feelings of despair were palpable.  I decided not to offer a lot of quick one-liners and easy fixes because, let's be honest, sometimes in life there aren't easy fixes.  I mostly just listened...and felt helpless.

I laid in bed for a long time thinking about our talk and feeling like I had somehow failed.  If I was really doing a good job as a parent, how could my kid be having such a hard time??  Why couldn't I think of anything really helpful and amazing to say?  Then, it hit me.  I had done exactly what I needed to do and all that I could do...I had been there.

Being there is important, you know?  Can't you think of times when someone just sat with you and somehow that seemingly small action infused you with strength?  I sure can.  And that realization made me feel so powerful as a Mom.

There are a ton of things that I cannot do for my children.  I can't fix every problem they face.  I can't make certain people like them.  I can't stop them from dealing with negative emotions.  I can't make this transition to living in a new state happen any quicker.

But, this is what I can do.

I can pray for them.  I can love them.  I can provide a peaceful atmosphere in our home.  I can listen to them.  I can hug them.  I can believe in them.  I can be their biggest fan.

And, at the end of the day, I can rest knowing that God loves them even more than I do and they are firmly in His hand.

Blessing in Disguise

So, we have been in Virginia for about 2 1/2 months now.  The plan was for me to find a job and start working part time shortly after the kids started school.  I have put out some applications and had a few possibilities, but for whatever reason, nothing has landed yet.

I went from being frustrated about it to taking a step back and realizing that perhaps, I should just enjoy this little respite that I'm getting.  Perhaps God knew this would be the perfect time to insert a little break for me and loved me enough to do it in spite of my well-laid plans.  Certainly I will keep looking and I'm sure I will find a job.  But, for now, this time I have alone to myself each day is priceless.

*Disclaimer to any of my kids who may read this:  I love you.  Being a Mom is one of the best things in my life.  I can't imagine not having you, and I wouldn't change anything about my life.  :)

But, that doesn't mean I don't get tired and I don't think I realized just how tired I was until I got this little reprieve.

This may shock some of you, but I am an absolute introvert.  I love people and enjoy being around them, but socializing is draining to me, not energizing like it is to some.  My soul and mind are regenerated and restored when I have time to spend by myself and that just hasn't happened that often in the last 17 years.  Actually, the last time I remember it happening for any length of time was during my hospitalization before Carter was born.  When I relate that story to people I often hear things like, "I don't know how you managed to stay in the hospital for all that time - I would have gone stark, raving mad."  I smile and say something heroic like "Oh, well, you do what you have to for your kids, right?"  But, really, it wasn't that bad.  Who am I kidding?  Most of the time, it was great!  I read 17 novels and had a laptop all to myself all day long.  Introvert paradise.

So, anyway.

I am going to enjoy this time because I know it will come to an end.  I will love whatever comes after it, but for now I'm gonna party like a rockstar...a reeaallll quiet one.  ;)

The Gift of Coping

So, one month ago today we woke up in our new state.  We were exhausted (having arrived after midnight the night before), we were sleeping in the home of people we had never met (who have become great friends over the past month) and I was getting Kennedy ready to go to band camp with 50 kids she had never met in a school we had never laid eyes on.

Wow, we have come a long way since that moment.  To think it was one short month ago is almost unbelievable.

While it is true to say that we are immeasurably more settled than we were then, it is not true to say that we are completely comfortable and used to our new surroundings.  Yes, the kids have started school and dance and band and are signed up to start cheerleading (McKinley!) and maybe basketball (Carter).  Yes, we have attended our new church a few times, even helped with the church picnic.  Yes, I can now find the grocery store, the bank, the doctor and the library without having to consult mapquest.  Yes, my fb account now sports a few new Virginia friends.  But, we are still in that nebulous time known as "the transition."

We were talking about it over dinner the other night.  My kids are doing amazingly well, but man, there is just nothing I could have said that would have prepared them for this.  It's kind of like having a baby, you just have to go through it in order to understand it.

Pierce chimed in, "Well, I like it here, but..(insert finger under the glasses tear wiping)", he was followed up quickly by Kennedy, "I know there is a lot of opportunity for us here, but I still miss Michigan and my friends."  Carter said, "I miss Jericho."  (his neighbor friend that lived right across the street from us in Flint).  Reagan, "I really like my new dance studio, but Mom, high school is hard."  McKinley nodded her agreement.  I looked at their faces and could tell that they were all putting on their brave faces, but were still feeling pretty quivery and quaky on the inside.

Me too.

I'm glad we're here, I feel like it was a good step for us.  But, I miss people and familiarity.  I miss seeing the faces of friends that I have history with.  I even miss being able to gripe about local things and know what I'm talking about. :)  I have felt the weight of these emotions just like they have, it is normal, it is healthy to express them...

But.

This was a parenting moment when I knew, I had two choices.  We could all commiserate and cry about what we left, or we could figure out how to deal with where we are.

I'm sure you know the one we picked.  We sat around the table for a good 30 minutes talking about the future, reminding everyone why we made this choice, talking about the things that are good here and focusing on how blessed we are to have such a tight-knit family.  When one of us or all of us have had a tough day, we are so lucky to be able to come home to a place where we belong and are loved.  It is here, in this incubator, that we all draw our strength and figure out how to cope.  What a gift.

History tells us that young children who survived the holocaust typically went on to lead very full and successful lives.  Behaviorists say it is because they learned, at a young age, how to cope.  It is one of life's most important skills.  Truly, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

We're gonna make it through this, kids.  We will come out the other side stronger, with better coping skills and possibly with a southern drawl...but, make no mistake, we will come out.  :)

Musings from the Rabbit Hole

So, we have lived in Virginia now for 9 days.  We are Virginians...or as Pierce says "Virginiaganders."   We arrived after midnight and when I got off I-64 at our exit number I was plunged into 4 miles of the longest, darkest road I have possibly ever experienced.  I was grateful to arrive at a road with streetlights and the familiar sight of Arby's and a gas station before we reached our rental house, but I was still feeling pretty displaced.

Kennedy and I got up early to get her ready and off to band camp.  It was surreal.  We show up at this high school and I'm filling out all these papers to enroll her in school and leaving her with this teacher and students I've never seen before and I don't even know where I am.  It was the first of many times during that first week that I stopped for a moment to question my sanity.  Who does this when their family is half-grown?  Moves across the country and into a whole new world??  Crazy people, that's who.  You can draw your own conclusions about us from that statement.

The rest of the week was much the same.  Enrolling the boys in school was a relatively simple affair and pretty painless since the building the reminds us of the Perry Center and the classes are "pretty big this year" at 18-20 students per room.  McKinley and Reagan were pretty easy as well, but Kennedy.  Holy wow. Virginia does not feel the same way about homeschooling that Michigan does and we have had to do everything short of sign in blood to get her enrolled there as a Junior.  But, we overcame.  Tonight is orientation for the 3 girls and I feel like we're at the end of a marathon.

It is beautiful here.  And people are so kind and helpful.  The drivers are just as bad as Michigan drivers although the gas prices are much better.  ($3.15 last time I filled up!)  I think I like it.  But, I also miss the familiarity of Michigan and all my friends.  I was sad yesterday during FIM's open house and at the same time excited because I knew Reagan's placement class was today and I get to teach next week.  It is a strange dichotomy of emotions and I sometimes feel like I am hovering over myself watching the whole thing unfold.

But, we are here.  We have made it to week 2 and that feels pretty big right about now.

One day at a time...